Seeking Stillness Amid Spring Vibrancy

Spring finally arrived and it has been so dang frenetic and my still winter-paced body has been in overwhelm. The season was a good three weeks later than last year, as evidenced by my camera roll, with cool mornings and cold rains and lots of mud lingering well past the “April Showers” phase. The greens, as if suddenly alert to the change, are verdant, vivacious, vivid, and a full thesaurus of vibrant adjectives. Then there are the blossoms, the birds and all the wildness of this burgeoning season in full glory. It is so alive. And it isn’t that I don’t appreciate walking in the sunrise light and not having headlight-glare driving in the early evening hours. But, as I noted recently to a friend, as this season of flowing is upon us, I have felt more like ebbing. Finding stillness in the eruption of Spring energy can be challenging. Perhaps I should contact my Aussie friends and go to the Southern Hemisphere for a few months. A recent unseasonable heatwave has compounded the urgency in the air as if proclaiming “Summer is already here!” I haven’t even come on board with Spring. Sigh.

Noticing = Invitations

The noticing of my own desire for stillness and quiet, the overwhelm of my senses has offered some invitations for reflections. Being overwhelmed…does that resonate with you? Yes, I know in my last blog, Everything is Connected: Resiliency, Ambiguous Loss, and Mud, I promised to share more of what I learned from the 3rd Annual Symposium of Death and Bereavement Studies webinars. But that will have to wait.

Overwhelm Self Check-in

First what led to this overwhelm? One of my tendencies is to wholly focus on one project until it has passed. Not that I can’t keep up on other “to dos,” but things like my blog posts slide, efforts to engage in more social media outreach for Nurture Your Journey gets put off. So from the end of March through the first three weeks of April, focus was on preparing my presentation, Anticipatory Grief, Ambiguous Loss, and Disenfranchised Grief in Dementia Care, for the Oregon Health Care Association’s Spring Symposium. Handouts, slideshow, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse. Whew. Completed that and I felt good about how it went. And…in an effort to keep my life in balance, I let other things go. In the past I have been prone to overworking. But those “things” like to lurk in the periphery like that dusty shelf you keep meaning to get to.

Long Journey with Grief

And then I had the honor of being a reader for Coffee and Grief Community’s Coffee Talk #46, which came about unexpectedly. I was so honored to step in AND I wrote a fresh piece for the May 4th event (I’ll have the Zoom link of the recording and a bit more info down below). Nothing was flowing (all that Spring energy was sapping my creative flow) until I retreated to the North Oregon Coast for two nights…right before the event, and then I wrote a fairy tale about a King and his Princess. This was a new way in to my long journey with Grief concerning my father’s death when I was 26. Here was the opening paragraph explaining the piece:

What are the facts and do they matter after almost four decades after his death? And what about memories and memories and memories? Those stolen from photographs. Sifted from journals. Whisked from the lips of others. They all become folded in on one another. An amalgam of dreams, wishes, desires, loss. They become the ash after a forest fire. The first sprouts from a nurse log that decay into the forest floor. Sand mixed in the surf. Time and not time. They are part of the landscape of my life. Of my grief. This loamy soil creates and recreates the story…no stories, I tell myself. And in the end are any of them true? Does it matter? Perhaps they are a fairy tale.

Grief As A Spiral

So past Grief returns with freshness within the season of vibrancy and I want to rest with it while the world around me is swirling. I found/find myself exhausted. And I was grateful to write about our relationship, my experience of my father’s death, my meaning-making of it in a new way after 37 years. Some say you shouldn’t look back. “Just keep moving forward.” But the sacred spiral offers that we come back to our touch points of Grief throughout our journeys, offering new perspective. New ways to appreciate. Grow. Honor. Learn. Love.

Loss as a Constant

Then there were new losses that flowed into my life. Soon after Coffee Talk, news came of a co-worker’s death from my former hospice world that I officially left six years ago. The hospice I worked for was a small-tight community in the early days, and though we peeled off and went our separate ways as the company grew, many of us stay connected via social media. This news, sudden. This dear one had gone in for surgery and we had offered our best wishes and prayers. The next we heard she had died. This news has struck a chord of sadness in my body. And I’m listening. Paying attention to what has been lost, but has no name, yet, though I suspect it has something to do with my own aging and mortality. Something I have not been shy to reflect on …but still this draws it close.

This was not the first death of someone I know or a beloved of someone I know in recent months. Plus somber news abounds in the world. A time of heaviness, not to be shied away from, but to be gentle with. Held as the smooth and rough stones I pick up on my coastal walks.

Wisdom in Being Heard

Fortunately I have a wise spiritual director (yes, when you offer spiritual direction/companionship, it is essential to have your own), who helped me unpack some intense feelings. Asked insightful questions, such as “What is dying in you?” (Still working on that one.) “What are you holding on to, letting go of?” “How are you staying grounded? (She knows how important being connected to Earth is to me.) And “In the frenetic energy where do you find stillness?” Then, toward the end our time together this tumbled out of my mouth, ”Grief never fails me.” Wait? What? Grief never fails me?

Grief as Embodiment

As I reflect back over these last few weeks, it has taken me time to realize my weariness was Grief’s embodiment nudging me to pay attention. That in wisdom, Grief truly never fails me (us), because when I (we) stop and am still, Grief reveals other companions: Joy, Curiosity, Sadness (to name a few) to sit with me (us). I know, your thinking, “anne, Grief is your mentor, right? Of course, there would be a teaching in this!” Likely one I’ve even written about and have forgotten.

And…a big And; Grief and Loss in all the myriad ways they weave into our lives can lead to overwhelm and then the need for stillness which can lead to bewilderment in the haze of “not doing” (are we not programed to “do” from a young age)—but that can lead to bewildment to wild moments. A letting go of expectations and allowing the freedom of not having answers or even not wanting them. Of offering permission to reconnected to the wild self. Even if that wild self is burrowing in the cool shade and not out among the frolicking beings of Spring. That too brief time at the coast offered just enough time to exhale, though I was still struggling when I returned. It offered time to connect with Grief and write my fairy tale. I was able to be still…and wild. Both/And. It opened space to hear this quote by Toko-pa Turner as medicine:

A reminder that to be uncomfortable and uneasy and in a “shroud” of fog is where the sacredness of living also takes place. Even if a part of me is dying in that space.

Putting Down Meaning For a Moment

A friend loaned me a book that is a gem, dropping in at just the “right” moment. Yes, it is a grief memoir. Personal Grief. Environmental Grief. Life Grief…and Joy, too. But oh, the writing is exquisite. Some of the best I have read. I am a third of the way through and I highly recommend the Carry Home, Lessons from the American Wilderness by Gary Ferguson (2014). Here is a taste: “My redemption would come in the form of a last request Jane made years before, asking me if she died, to scatter her ashes in her five favorite wilderness areas. And so I did….In the end these trips would bring me back to nature again, to wilderness. To the lilting beauty of unkempt places—places powerful enough to woo the hearts not only of the young, but anyone willing to put down search for meaning for a little while and just float in the sensation of being alive.” (pg 12)

To put down the search for meaning. I admit sometimes I am too focused on “looking for the meaning” in an event. To connect “random” happenings. A series of dreams. Etc. And there IS a time for that reflecting. But, sometimes can I, can we, release meaning at first and just be in the moment with the feelings, emotions, responses of our bodies and hearts and just float in the sensation of being alive? To be still and quiet with what is? What are your thoughts?

As you might notice, I am pondering over here, though will be working on another presentation soon for Parkinson’s Resources Organization (June 20th.) So, yup, will be diving into that creative process (I do like presenting!)

We Are All Connected-Heart Families

I don’t want to leave you without something useful (hopefully what I shared above has something worthwhile, but won’t presume). I follow-love Priya Parker (she is on Instagram, if that is your thing.) Her book is the Art of Gathering (recommend if you do any kind of gathering). She suggests bringing in your attendees right from the start. So in last month’s presentation I wanted to introduce the idea of the “psychological family” per Pauline Boss’ work on Ambiguous Loss by having folks fill out hearts with their “families” on them…the idea being they could then take this back as a tool to connect with care partners they come alongside in their communities of care and also reflect on their own support. I asked attendees to say the name of one “family” person into our space as we gathered, to bring them into the room with us; to expand our community.

So, out of that, I am working on a new “handout” to share with folks called “Your Heart Family.” (I am still tweaking it, so open to your thoughts.) On the front is a brief definition of what might be consider to be your heart/psychological family per Boss with a few of my ideas added. I have a link to the PDF on my Resources page on my website. I invite you to print out and cut around the heart and write down names on the back and consider who your support network is. Also, who might consider you to be part of their “heart family?” We are all connected…which was an underlying theme of my presentation. I’ve also added my “Prescription For Honoring My Grief” as a PDF to the Resource page. Getting fancy over here.

Thank you for coming along on this meandering post. I start them one day and wrap up a few days later. A journey in and of themselves. So much gets cut out. Sorting what feels relevant in the moment. What I like is hearing how are you doing? Being? How is your Grief? Your Joy? I’ve been listening to some new podcasts (listed below) and new questions are being asked? Stretching me. Good stretching. Let me know what you’ve been listening to and reading. I know it’s been a while, but you are never far from my heart.

as always, with deep gratitude,

anne

For Your Reflection

• how do you know when you are overwhelmed? what are the signs? how do you cope? what has been heavy in your life recently? what has felt light?

• how do you “roll” (or not) with the change in seasons? (your definition of seasons).

• how is your Grief these days? where are you discovering Joy? Awe? Wonder? (even when i am in overwhelm, i find wonder, awe, and gratitude almost every day. one of the ways i ground myself.)

• what is expanding in your life? (so spring/summer)! contracting? what is causing you to be curious?

• what is dying in you?” (yes, even in the growth of Spring, things die to make way for new). “what are you holding on to, letting go of?” “how are you staying grounded?”

• how did you respond to the statement: “Grief never fails me?”

  • first response:

  • second thoughts:

  • further down the line:

• usual question: are you treating yourself with kindness and gentleness these days? how does that look? if not, how might you make the shift to being kinder and gentler with yourself? how can you be kinder and gentler toward others.

Listening…

I tend to have a quiet external environment. No TV or radio on during the day & evening. In the car I get “stuck” on a short list of songs from my playlist (one of my quirks…I have many.) So I have to remind myself there are some great podcasts I want to listen to. Some suggested and others I have have discovered on my own. So here are two I recommend, if podcasts are your thing:

• Grief and Gratitude is a new podcast out by the founders of Coffee and Grief Community and monthly Coffee Talk. As of this writing five episodes have been released and all have been pure heart balm. And yes, I’ve teared up. Are the topics easy? Well, it’s Grief shared with honesty and openness and rawness…and hearts full of gratitude. The wisdom is deep. Whether you are new to navigating Grief or it has been a recognized companion for years, there will likely be something for you. Length varies from 20-40ish minutes. Found wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.

• On Being has long been a favorite show and has moved into the podcast realm. This season has been thoughtful on so many levels. If you only have time to listen to one episode though, I recommend the last one, with the US Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy—To Be a Healer. He shares deeply from his personal experience as well as wisdom gained from his years of service.

  He spoke a lot about being connected as community as the antidote to loneliness and despair. At the end he shared this brief meditation and I’m going to copy it here along with his comments because, well, it is all heart medicine.

  “So I’ll share with you something that I do in my own life, a tool that I reach for when I’m having those moments where I feel alone or I’m starting to feel the despair creeping in. And it’s very simple. It takes about 15 seconds.

  So just raise your right hand and place it over your heart and close your eyes. And I want you to think about the people who have loved you over the years, the people who have been there for you during difficult times, who have supported you without judging you, and who stood by your side even when it was hard. Think about the people who have celebrated your moments of greatest joy with you, the people who saw your successes as theirs, the people who derived such pleasure and fulfillment from seeing you happy. Just feel their love flowing through you, lifting you up, brightening your mood, and filling your heart. And know that that love is always there, even if they are not physically with you, because you carry that love in your heart. And know that you are and always will be worthy of that love. It came to you because you deserved it.

  And now open your eyes.

  What you felt in that brief meditation, that was the power of love. That is the power of social connection. That is our birthright. It’s who we were designed to be and what we were designed to experience. All of us, regardless of what walk of life we’re in, we have the ability to shine a light on the bright spots. Whether those are relationships that bring joy or movements in our community that are helping grow connection — it’s where we choose to focus our attention, it’s where we use our power to focus the attention of others that ultimately determines whether or not we create more light in the world or more darkness.

  But I just want all of you to know, just as I want my own children to know, just as I remind myself as well, that we are all worthy of love and connection. Even in those moments where we feel that we perhaps aren’t. Even those moments where we feel like we’re the only one who might be struggling. The truth is we are not alone. There are others out there who want what we want. A world that is more connected. A world where we can actually be there for one another. A world that’s actually powered by love. And that is within our grasp. We only have to see it, to name it, and to start taking actions in our day-to-day lives to build that world and reflect those values.

  And when we do, we will experience what one of my mentors in medical school told me years ago, which is, she said: Vivek, when you stand in strength, you allow others to find you. And every time you act out of love, whether that’s to a member of your own family or a moment of kindness you express to a stranger, you are telling people around you that it’s okay to give and receive love as well. You are inspiring people to be a new way and to be a new person in the world that constantly seems dark. And in a world that is full of despair, small acts of kindness are radical acts of defiance, and they’re the force that we need to ultimately build the world that we all need.”

Odds & Ends

Coffee Talk

Ten years ago a wee baby called Harvey was born. He died a day later and his mother, Monica grieved with the heart of lioness. Out of her grief she began doing an annual in-person reading event in his honor. The last three years when the pandemic threatened to interrupt the reading, Coffee And Grief Community stepped in and handed the “mic” over to Monica so Harvey’s readings would continue online. The May Coffee Talk is now “Harvey’s” evening. This year new loss once again visited Monica and she requested step in. I was so so honored. The other readers of the evening were powerful and I recommend a listen. It is one hour.

I love the Coffee Talk evenings, first Thursday of the month, 7pm PT. Generous beyond measure in welcoming Grief into the room. I post the Zoom link on my Nurture Your Journey FB page (it is a new link every month). Or, if you are not on social media, you can send me an email and I can send you the link.

If you want to become more comfortable with Grief, this is a place to start.

A Bit Of Poetry

I submitted a couple of poems for the Lake Oswego Library’s Annual Poetry Submission. It is supposed to be posted soon. Here is the link for when it is up. There should be a PDF of the 2023 poems on that page.

Both/And

So yes, overwhelmed, but in the world where I dwell I can hold two (or more) things/ideas/feelings/etc at once. I can stroll slowly with the overwhelm (or perhaps snuggle with it) and delight in the wonder of the morning birdsong and sunstreams threading through bluebells. So go ahead Spring, overwhelm me. Strawberries will be ripe soon and that makes my heart do cartwheels of joy. Perhaps by then Spring and I will be in sync…just in time for Summer!