Autumn’s shedding of leaves can be an invitation to reflect on what we may need to let go of in our own lives. photo by anne richardson
Hello Dear Ones,
It is deep Autumn in the Pacific Northwest. My intention was to write this newsletter soon after the equinox passed, but enamored with cooler and shorting days, Leaves riotous shift in color schemes, Rain’s thunderous return and my own deepening “apprenticeship with slowness,” one week fell into another and, well, here we are.
My body exhaled when Summer finally left the scene (though there was a pale pink Rose in the neighborhood that was still offering spicy, peppery scents until it was cut back to my astonishment just a few days ago. After all, I wasn’t done with my daily “sniffs.”) Summer was difficult for me. I wrote about my malaise on Substack: “merging with the deepening of autumn.” These days Sun skims morosely along the Tree line as if annoyed at not being the star of the show. On cloudless days, Sun glares through windshields and shows all the dirty streaks on kitchen windows, a reminder of its brilliance. And I appreciate its gentle warming of my abode. No need to turn on the heat some days. We call a truce.
Moon as a Mentor
Moon, with “super-ness” arising with her fullness, captivates my heart (yes, I gender the Moon…and realize “she” has been both male and female in mythology. Hopefully, you will humor me.) The November full Moon was hidden behind a storm, so I had to imagine her beauty. It was the closest she would be to Earth this year (thus a “Supermoon.”) And like the tides, I am sensitive to her power. I have an app on my phone that tells me when the Moon rises and sets, where she is in her cycle, etc. She feels like a companion, or more of a mentor, on how to travel through life. The thought that we might mine the Moon for minerals, might mar her surface for our own gain, hurts my own heart. I want to warn her. Instead, I trust her withstanding of space debris on a regular basis over the millennia will enable her to navigate whatever we send her way. Where do you seek mentors in all their forms?
Slow Walking as a Spiritual Practice
Walking Joey, my adopted rescue pug, each morning and afternoon, at what I call a “pug’s pace,” I’ve discovered is a spiritual practice. It is about being present. Joey, as is typical of most dogs, checks the community message boards and leaves his own comments. As we stroll his pace, I practice patience and observe the world. Autumn mornings are an especially potent portal. The sky transforms from star dark to cloud awareness. Birds awaken and those who linger year round scurry in the downed brown leaves foraging for bugs. Wind curls around Oaks, sometimes playfully, but more often getting the lay of the land for the next storm. The Maple that was blazing red and gold two days ago has been relieved of Leaves after recent heavy Rains. The last of the Dahlias and Zinnias, faded to drab yellows, oranges, and purples, heavy with endings, are bowing in prayer to the Soil from which they arose. Grass is an expansive green, the yellowed spots of Summer an afterthought. Shrubs are red and bursting with Berries for Winter’s feasting. And the Crows always offer a running commentary as we walk. Rain, clear Skies, or fog. Wind or calm. They are stalwarts through it all.
Autumn has long been a favorite season. But the longer I become seasoned by loss, by Grief, the deeper it settles into my sense of being. The more I appreciate the examples of letting go. The decay. The preparation for Winter…a season that as I have aged I now love with a depth I would have brushed aside in my youth.
morning Moon and Autumn Leaves compliment the awakening day. photo by anne richardson
The Long Dark
In his new book, In The Absence of the Ordinary, Soul Work for Times of Uncertainty, Francis Weller talks about having an “apprenticeship with slowness” as a way to connect with the rhythm of the soul. Of our need to move at the pace of “geologic speed.” “Slowing down,” he says, “offers us an opportunity to establish bonds of intimacy with those around us—partners, children, and friends—out into the wider terrain of the beautiful and strange otherness.” (pg 110) As our current culture implores us to speed up, I’ve been practicing slowing way down.
He also states that we have “clearly entered the Long Dark.” (pg 5) This is not a place without hope but it will be an arduous time. He offers medicine for dark times. But as we live in a light infused world, I crave times when I can be in a place that is dark. When I can stand outside, turn off my flashlight and gaze up at stars without ambient light. And I am more aware than I have been in the past with my own inner darkness…not that I am always comfortable, but I am willing to enter the cave…or womb. There is much growth that takes place in darkness. And much rest. I have written about this before in previous blogs over the years, so it is a tender place of learning for me. I am always learning.
“It is the realm of soul—of whispers and dreams, mystery and imagination, death and ancestors. It is an essential territory both inevitable and required, offering a form of soul gestation that may gradually give shape to our deeper lives, personally and communally. Certain things can only happen in the grotto of darkness
from In the Absence of The Ordinary (pg7)”
What is Apprenticing You?
Much of what he shared in his essays (more about this below under recommendations) weaves in with other reflecting I’ve been doing lately. I’ve been participating in an event through The Emergent Network called Becoming Sanktauree (about making Sanctuary.) A lot of overlap with what Weller offered in his book and a webinar event of his I attended (also linked below.) The invitation given in one session: “what is apprenticing you?” An invitation that is coursing its way through my marrow.
Not Looking for Answers
I am in a season in my life (would Autumn be a good fit?) where I am discerning what to shed. Asking “what are my ‘yeses’ and what are my ‘noes’?” (also from one of the sessions.) A shift is happening. I have a passion for my work with Grief and Spiritual Companionship. A “yes.” My volunteering at the farmer’s market and being part of my community. A “yes.” The rest…I am in a process of discernment. I submitted paperwork to become a “retired” board certified chaplain…finally. I need to rework my website as I decide what I still want to offer…that will be a work in process.
This is not about having answers or a path forward. Just listening. I’ll head to the Coast in December for my annual Autumn retreat. It is always a balm. Joey will stay with the foster family that cared for him before he came to live with me. Our first separation. I’m sure he will do fine…they love him! Me…we will see.
“Grief Runs On Multiple Clocks”
In my Summer newsletter I shared about the death of poet Andrea Gibson. Their wife, poet and writer Megan Falley, has been continuing Andrea’s “Things That Don’t Suck” Substack as she shares her grieving for them. Posts that are raw and tender. She shares about the deep missing of Andrea. About how “Grief runs on multiple clocks.” About how the “texture of her Grief” shifts day-by-day. Hour-by-hour even. How she doesn’t like the question “How are you?” If you’ve ever lost someone significant in your life perhaps that is a question you also dread. All the posts are worth a read, but I recommend “Don’t Ask a Widow This,” if you only have time for one.
Come See Me In The Good Light, is a documentary that chronicles how Andrea’s illness (ovarian cancer) transformed their life. It was released on the Apple TV streaming platform November 14th. I haven’t watched it yet, but it has been acclaimed at film festival screenings (it won the Sundance Film Festival audience award). A New York Times’ article about the movie quotes the impact on Andrea: “I was known, I think, as a fairly optimistic writer that leaned toward the light,” they said. “But when I got diagnosed with cancer, I just thought, ‘Oh, look at all this that I’ve been missing. There’s so much beauty here.’ I could truly feel every second of the day as this very generous gift. And so it changed my writing.” For this I will sign up for Apple TV and watch the movie, tissues close at hand.
“And of course, “How are you?” is not an unkind question. Not at all.
But it is a thimble at the mouth of the river. It’s too small. The answers won’t fit. So when I’m asked, I default to: “I’m a lot of things…” Which is true—but not true enough.
...
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For Your Reflection
how do you feel or respond going into the darker days of Autumn and Winter? if you live in the Southern Hemisphere, consider this metaphorically.
what might be “apprenticing” you? do you have a sense something needs to shift in your life?
when you are deeply grieving, what questions do you wish were not asked? is “how are you?” one of them? what do you wish you were asked?
what would it look like to slow down (if you feel a need to?) is there anything you would like to shed? what are your “yeses “and your “noes”?
usual question: are you treating yourself with kindness and gentleness these days? how does that look? if not, how might you make the shift to being kinder and gentler with yourself? how can you be kinder and gentler toward others?
Recording: A Slow Walk With Loss Presentation
I presented A Slow Walk With Loss: Anticipatory Grieving in Dementia Care for HOPE, Dementia Support in August and it was recorded. If you are the carer of a loved one, family member, friend of someone with dementia, want to support someone who is journeying with someone with dementia, or are curious, the recording is now available on YouTube. Here is the link.
Offering: My Passion and Heart
Spiritual Direction/Companionship
Spiritual Companionship is the heart of my practice. I offer the gift of coming alongside and providing deep listening. This allows one to hear their own wisdom. Their own stories. To connect with their Source as they define and have experienced Mystery in their lives. To hold space to reflect on beliefs with curiosity without judgment. To be in the midst of their Grief & Loss and have someone simply be with them, taking time, all the time needed/desired to allow the journey to unfold. To celebrate joys. And more.
I meet with folks from diverse beliefs and spiritual backgrounds and practices. Different ages and genders. All are welcome. Yes, my writing reflects my unfolding curiosities and path. So yes, I am on my own journey, but I have a director that I sort through my “stuff” with, so I won’t be trying to nudge you over to my ways of thinking.
To find out more about my philosophy, background, training and “tools” that we can use in a session, check out my website. I follow the ethics of Spiritual Directors International., where I am a member.
I have space available. I meet with folks in-person or via Zoom. Please reach out if you have questions about how a session might unfold.
I always appreciate referrals!
Recommendations
Book
In The Absence of the Ordinary, Soul Work for Times of Uncertainty. Francis Weller’s book The Wild Edge of Sorrow (also found under Weller’s book link) shifted my whole approach to being with Grief. The insights I gained led me to becoming an “Apprentice to Grief.” I came to understand how it is never about fixing another’s pain…or even the world’s, but about being deeply present. About deep listening. Even deeply being with my own losses. So when his new book of essays “on grief, change, and sacred transitions” was published, I dove right in.
Some of the essays were previously available on his website (I had read them a few years ago, but the reread was great.) In this compilation book they are introduced and ended with new insights for these shifting times. There is no sugar-coating the suffering of what his calls the “descent into the Long Dark.” And yet he offers medicine that, if we are willing to allow ourselves to refocus from an individualistic to “an entangled” with the world approach (my paraphrase,) there is hope.
Podcasts
With the release of his book, Francis Weller has been on a podcast that I would recommend to get a sense of the book. It is also a podcast I listen to on a regular basis to deepen my “being with” Grief. Your Going To Die, The Podcast (Y2DG ) titled “The Long Dark w/Francis Weller,” ran Sept. 11. (The first link is general to Podlink so you can scroll to find the show on your favorite app. The second is via Apple Podcasts because I can’t figure out how go previous episodes in Podlink.)
Weller shares about our culture being “the remnants of a living culture” with our being overly focused on “the self” and consumerism (I am simplifying.) That soul offers a wider perspective. He says, “Soul says, no, I want to live in a multi-centric cosmos, where everything is speaking. Everything is alive. Everything is open to relationship, open to intimacy.” It is a thoughtful conversation. I hope you’ll take time to listen.
Season three of Anderson Cooper’s podcast, All There Is, is now releasing new episodes weekly. Anderson may not be a “Grief expert,” except that he is in that he has had losses in his life and the journey to recognizing his need to “grieve” has opened up this space via his learning to be with Grief. An honest space where he seems to have his own revelation each week even as he interviews “famous” people.
I’ve listened to the first three episodes and I appreciate Anderson’s tenderness in meeting folks where they are with loss. His time with Kenny Chesney was especially tender. Anderson with his vast reach perhaps can move the needle on Grief Literacy. Here’s hoping.
YouTube
Speaking of both Anderson Cooper and Francis Weller, I attended a live event at the end of September (I was in the Zoom room, but would have loved to have been in the actual room-sigh,) Tending the Soul in Uncertain Times. It felt like a necessary conversation for these, well, uncertain times. Beyond the conversation there was a time of ritual (explained in the conversation) that can easily be done at home. The event is also available as a Podcast on Soundcloud..
Importance of Grief Awareness
November is Children’s Grief Awareness Month and the National Alliance for Children’s Grief is working to “Flip The Script” to help educate folks on childhood grief. I recently attended a fundraising event for the Dougy Center for Grieving Children, which is participating in the “Flip The Script” outreach. They shared this statistic that surprised me: 1 in 11 children in the U.S. will experience the death of a parent or sibling by age of 18. That’s over 6.4 million children. By the age of 25 that more than doubles to 15.5 million youth. (statistics from National Alliance for Children’s Grief.) Loss can be overwhelming at any age, but imagine being in the midst of grieving while navigating your childhood, teens, young adulthood.
Complicated Grief
In my “Slow Loss” presentation I share a story about a young woman whose father was diagnosed with Parkinson’s when she was a teenager and her Grief surrounding his slow decline. His slowly dying. A complicated grief that often goes unnoticed in our fast-paced society. I recommend reading “jealous of my friend’s dad’s funeral” by Jennifer Phillips for an example of how the landscape of living with someone who has an advance serious illness may look through the eyes of a young person. How that death will impact them.
My father died when I was 26 from heart disease. It will be 40 years ago come this January. There were no resources in 1986 that were readily available and my family just kept moving forward. It has taken me years to “go back” and grieve my father’s death. It is likely one of the reasons I have been drawn to this call. To be Grief’s apprentice. To have worked as a hospice chaplain. To volunteer as a facilitator at The Dougy Center for the Pathways Program. To honor Grief as a wise and ancient teacher.
Grief Support Model
The Dougy Center has support groups for young adults (and kids and teens) like I was so many years ago. And though Dougy groups are local to the Portland Metro area, the model is taught throughout the world. I recommend heading over to the website as I cannot do it justice to all they offer.
One last note. Dougy Center is offering a free webinar: Grief in the Teenage Years: What We Miss & What They Need. November 20th, 10-11:30 PST. Registration in advance is required.
Final Thoughts
Holiday advertisements have been inundating all the media feeds for weeks now. (“Feeds”—an interesting way to phrase that. Do you every feel like you are “prey” being fed on…?) It will only intensify until the end of the calendar year. Even with my limited engagement with social media I can easily become overwhelmed.
So consider those who are grieving new and old loses. The holidays can be especially tender. The masks we don to “be nice.” To “smile.” To “not stir up old stuff,” saying to ourselves “it is not worth it,” can leave folks feeling raw and alone.
I don’t have any simple answers except to say please don’t judge the person who “snarls” when you say out of custom “Happy Holidays!” “Merry Christmas!” We never know what they are carrying. Whose name, whose story they would like to share….maybe their own.
Today as I walked Joey I noticed a home that ALREADY had up holiday lights and I could see their lighted tree through the window. I thought, “What they heck. Seriously!” And yes, I was judgy. But as I walked on I began to step into “chaplain mode,” remembering the bed sides I came alongside during the holidays. For all I know someone in that home has been given a diagnosis of a few weeks to live. Perhaps Christmas is their favorite holiday. Maybe creating Christmas today is their desire. We never know someone else’s story.
The energy is already heightened in the world. Please do what you need to take soft and tender care of your hearts. To care for your Grief. Let your Grief care for you. And let me know how you are being.
with gratitude,
anne
Joey is one of my mentors in how to slow down.
PS: December 21st is Winter Solstice. For the last few years I have taken part in a “Longest Night” gathering hosted by Portland’s Waverly United Church of Christ. I facilitate the labyrinth offering (one of several choices during the evening.) The theme this year is rhythms of resilience. This free event is in-person from 6:45-8:30pm and all are welcome.
The feedback from those who have attended in the past is that the quiet, the songs (Portland Threshold Singers provide singing and song care,) and the creative spaces are a nourishing reprieve from the cacophony of the holiday season. If you live in the Portland area I hope you can join us.
