Reconnecting After Disconnecting

the return is unsettling. yes, i was ready to come home after 61 days away. to step through one final portal…the doors at Portland International Airport. ready to sleep in my own bed after lying in 24 strange beds while i was away, 25 if you count the Reykjavik Airport row of three seats that was a temporary nest. ready to reconnect with those close to my heart.

i remember this from my last sojourn. in a few days the body adjusts to sun rhythms. recalls how to make the morning smoothie. grind the right amount of coffee. slip into the pool and glide back & forth. however, the emotional & spiritual self hesitates. integration takes time. sifting through memories for old routines and deciding which expand my life. which restrict…

for this i need stillness. spaciousness. to wander-walk (my meditation.) to be. a stack of unopened mail and unanswered email demand i “do.” and i do “do” because in this world somethings can’t be ignored. like the jury summons. car registration. business insurance renewal. and grocery shopping—it is a delight to see all the fresh summer veggies and fruit. simple cooking. i can muster the energy for that.

No Need to Rush

yes, i remember this from my last sojourn :: i can’t rush the return. frustrated that the words float around in my body but cannot flow onto the page. my last sojourn with Grief in 2019 remapped my interior landscape. this sojourn has not…at least not that i am aware of. actually, midway through i let go of Sojourning with Stillness and simply enjoyed myself. now i am home there is stirring. Stillness waited.

Companions For the Journey

i won’t say i am grieving. this doesn’t feel like my Mentor Grief is tapping on my shoulder. though now i am home two plus weeks a part of me misses being a sojourner. what does that mean? and i do see a few correlations to the grief journey. the disruption to life as it was “before” (though i invited my disruption.) the “no going back” to the status quo (though in my case, i find the draw to fall into old patterns strong.) needing to integrate shifting landscapes…and an awareness this cannot be rushed, though the world will want you too.

if you are at sea from loss(es) due to death or a myriad of other reasons, Grief can be a companion on your journey—when you are ready. i’m pondering: who are my companions for where i am now? stillness. patience. kindness. also worthy companions for one grieving.

Walking A Sacred Path

my last week away was spent in Chartres, France where i had the gift of being a small group leader for ONE LOVE: The Interspiritual Quest through Fierce & Tender Wisdom. A Walking A Sacred Path Pilgrimage with Mirabai Starr and hosted by Rev. Dr. Lauren Artress and Veriditas. to be of service was deeply meaningful. it was the reason i extended my journey longer than originally intended. i posted extensively about the experience on my personal FB page and will share a few excerpts because, perhaps, it will encourage you to relish times you serve. or, if you feel drawn, attend another offering by Veriditas held at Chartres (as soon as September.) or seek out time away, a retreat, where you are nourished by those with serving hearts.

Chartres ONE LOVE Travelogue

Expansion of Time

July 4th & 5th: This week is going to be a both/and kind of week. On the one hand, it feels like time is quickening. The days beating like a heart. Thump. Thump. Thump.

AND it feels like time is drifting. The moon I saw out my window Monday night rises again tonight, slightly fuller. I am fuller. Expanding with this experience of being in Chartres. Being a part of something bigger than myself. The leadership team is wise. Collaborative. Drawing on each other’s strengths. Those who have been called to this workshop are connecting and open. The threads for the tapestry are on the loom and the weaver is at work.

*****

A short while later it was time for our first full session with Mirabai. (Note-she joined us via Zoom due to having COVID within the travel window constraints.) Ah, what drew me to her in her book Wild Mercy, Living the Fierce and Tender Wisdom of the Women Mystics was very present in her chat with us. She was inviting us to go deeper. I appreciated her wisdom and her trust that we have our own. She does not profess to have answers. To be a “guru.” She shared from her fierce, compassionate, and wild heart. This ponderer will leave Chartres with a lot to ponder.

Sacred Ritual

July 6th & 7th: These last two days have been full of wonder and awe. Of serving and being fully present. Of joy and exhaustion. Of witnessing. Of learning. Of saying “yes.”

Wednesday, day three of the workshop, focused on preparing for the evening labyrinth walk…a sacred ritual that leads participants through the crypt and up onto the candlelit labyrinth. When I was a participant it was a transformative experience and to be able to be a member of the team that would set the sacred space leaves my heart full.

*****

The sessions with Mirabai Starr have been as stirring as I anticipated them to be. Yes, she is coming via the wonders of ZOOM, but her strong, wise presence is very much in the room. And dusting off my small group skills has been like riding the proverbial bike. I have even offered Reiki as appropriate.

*****

Ah clock time, you are having your way with me. Or perhaps it is Moon time growing fuller and fuller, crowding out the day.

Gifts of Gratitude

July 8th: We all knew that our beginning would have an ending…and yet in the liminal space of Chartres, the labyrinth, and the mystical teachings of Mirabai, Friday came as surprise. Time to prepare to reenter the world already? Of daily demands? And yet anyone who has led retreats, workshops or even intentional encounters of brief periods, understands the necessity of an exhale. Of allowing an individual to start to imagine “coming home” with their gifts…both the ones they want to share and the ones that need to be tucked away for themselves for a while.

So this Friday had a lot that needed to be folded in…without feeling rushed. There needed to be time to play. To say goodbye to new friends. To talk about self-care. And, of course, final sessions with Lauren, Mirabai, and small groups. It was a full day!

*****

After Mirabai did her final, deep and wise talk, we gathered for a closing circle and dance…the same dance we opened with each morning. Joy. Pure Joy.

But were we done? No! Because you have to eat to really celebrate. And that is what we did. We opened our week with a reception and closed with another reception and dinner. Gratitude was offered. Hugs. Laughter. My small group managed to get a group photo. And what was nice about the closing dinner, if anyone had a partner or friend accompany them to Chartres, they were invited.

And that Moon, the one who watched over us all week, was expanding with our joy as we left for the evening.

Hmmm. Been in Chartres five days and I still hadn’t walked the labyrinth at the hotel. I had been too busy. Dusk turning to night, I crept through the dark portal and walked the labyrinth. Path not always clear in the dark. Took my time…had to as the ground was uneven. A walk to unwind. To offer gratitude for the week. And on the way out, a black cat lingered on the periphery, then when I was done walking on the path, that cat walked the labyrinth a few moments then went back into the shadows. Another gift.

I begin my journey home Saturday morning. A three day ordeal…well I hope it won’t be an ordeal, but it will be a lengthy journey.

Mirabai encouraged us to hold a Shabbat practice, to have a day a week…or find a rhythm that works for us to unplug. Yes, a good idea. One I have tried before and have not been successful. And yet to let all that I have experienced the last eight weeks as I have Sojourned with Stillness through the UK, Ireland and how being present in Chartres, to truly nourish me, I know I need the gift of Stillness. And isn’t that what I went away for in the first place?

Lingering at the Edge

the heatwave that has covered my beloved Pacific NW has made sure i move slow, so in a way, it too is a gift. i scroll through my sojourn photos. notice repetition/themes of portals. boats. paths. i have noted this before: i am a threshold dweller. wanting to wander toward the edge. linger there. an interesting tension for someone who also loves the nest of her home. how that will alchemize in the months ahead: still “sorting it,” as my UK friends would say.

i appreciate you staying with this ramble of words. it felt a wee bit indulgent. though if you are at a space where you are grieving, restless, or feeling an internal shift of some sorts in your life, perhaps a word, a photo, a paragraph resonates.

as always, grateful for you AND

please be kind and gentle with your tender heart,

anne

For Your Reflection

• what portals (thresholds, life changes) have you gone through recently? what surprised you on the other side? what did you need to leave behind? what other feelings are stirring as you contemplate this question?

• if you could go on a retreat as an act of kindness to yourself, where would you go?

• have you ever considered taking a day off of social media and the other chatter of life once a week/bi-weekly/once a month as a way to nourish yourself? does it appeal to you? if it does, what is a small way you can begin to “hold a Shabbat practice” as Mirabai suggested?

• how are you caring for your tender heart these days?

Bits & Pieces/Odds & Ends

• My book recommendation this post is Janice Lee’s Separation Anxiety (poems.) Yes, wrapped around Grief. I took a class from Janice a couple of summers ago. So wise. Here is a review by Lee Herrick, author of Scar and Flower, that sums up my thoughts more succinctly that I could: Janice Lee’s brilliance in fiction now enters poetry in this exploration of grief, love, and communication between species: human, dog, ghost. These poems are intimate as they are intellectual, full of wisdom as much as wonder. Lee makes meaning of living, dying, and the subtle, gorgeous surprise. I love this book. It makes language and the world feel new.

  Here is a stanza from poem #12: your hand is still warm/where I refuse to let go/I mistake my own reluctance/for your warmth/and want to hold on even tighter/fearing if I let go/I will unravel, like so many times you said I would

• I recently listened to a webinar, Living a Soulful Life-Healing Through Personal and Collective Grief with Frances Weller, MFT, author of The Wild Edge of Sorrow, Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief. It was hosted by Veriditas with Rev. Dr. Lauren Artress facilitating. Several years ago after connecting to Francis Weller’s work and his approach to Grief and sorrow, I shifted my way of being with those grieving. This webinar was the reminder I needed that in our western world we are told, even if we are so bold as to admit we are grieving and journeying with Grief, we are still encouraged to walk the path alone or perhaps with a counselor or spiritual companion (not that that isn’t helpful.) Weller reminds us the importance of community and ritual. That that hunger for communal ritual is built into our DNA. I highly recommend the book and perusing his website to see what he has to offer.

• Coffee and Grief Community’s monthly Coffee Talk is August 4th, 7-8pm PT. I always leave with my heart fuller. Here are the details: Come hear 5 wonderful writers read their grief words. This zoom event lasts about an hour and is guaranteed to be the best heart medicine.

  Join Zoom Meeting

  https://us02web.zoom.us/j/88173587851...

  Meeting ID: 881 7358 7851
  Passcode: 779234

A Bit of Celebration

• my poem “Ode to the Dandelion” was included in the Tiny Seed Literary Journal June 29th. Thank you Tiny Seed!

• my poem, after the apocalypse, placed 3rd in Willamete Writers Kay Snow Writing Contest.

Bonus Poem

as i was looking through some notes from the beginning of the year, before “stillness” became the “theme” for my sojourn, i wrote this poem in january from a prompt offered by Janice Lee. funny how things appear at the edges before we are consciously aware.

stillness

bend closer

bow

close eyes

press palms together

thumbs pressed to heart

wait there

wait there

wait there with

open breaths

notice what

is behind

closed lids

allow body

to quiver

lean into the quake

fall

into breath

allow wind to

pass by

wait

wait

wait

until heart stills

breath stills

life stills

open eyes

notice

the one

drop of water

in the forest

amid the forest

of the forest

be that one drop

feel

sun’s releasing

ocean’s calling

fall

then

return here

between each

breath

don’t wait

to be here

or there

because you

are